Rewind, please

So you might be wondering how I got here? Well, so am I.This is all about body parts so if that grosses you out, stop reading now.

It is a long and sordid tale, starting with a collapsed lung that needed to be permanently repaired back in 2001. The CT that was done prior to surgery showed a large cyst on my pancreas. Huh? Pancreatic cancer = bad, and you can’t reach the thing to biopsy it, so, I signed up to have that cyst removed. And out came my spleen as well.

Basically a large midline incision is not a good thing, given that between your “six-pack” ab muscles is a fascia like tissue that doesn’t hold up well once cut. So, the first of several hernias appeared and I had a small OP surgery to fix that. Cool, done, right? Wrong.

Next, in 2005, I learn I have fibroids, and my uterus has to go. I got to vote on whether to keep my cervix and one ovary (I voted yes – didn’t want my “kishkes” to fall out)…but alas, I had another midline (ventral) hernia to fix. What’s a girl to do? So we enlisted a second surgeon, and the docs tag-teamed to remove my lady parts and then put in some mesh and sew me up tight. This was in 2005. My body didn’t like this surgery and after 2 weeks in the hospital, I was able to go home.

That brings me to the end of 2013. A bout of nausea brought me to my doctor, we tried some conventional “you are over 50 so take this med” treatments without much relief. A requested ultrasound to “just see” if this was yet another midline hernia showed a smallish hole. A visit to the surgeon didn’t require more than a poke with an index finger into my navel to reveal a chasm of another big hernia. Rats. A follow up CT scan was scheduled so that we could get the entire picture. Yep, big hole. So I scheduled surgery, with 2 surgeons (one to make sure my intestines weren’t all in a bunch, the other to close me up tight), and we headed to the hospital on Feb 6th. I thought this would be the end of this adventure, but…not so much.

It is amazing that you can live without so many body parts! I have given up my spleen, one third of my pancreas, a few inches of my small intestine, an ovary, a uterus…and a touch of lung tissue. I have asked the surgeons if they can just take whatever else I may not need – gall bladder, appendix, what else? Or put in a zipper. That might be better.

This all sounds nutty in its’ retelling. I keep thinking I sound like a show on The Discovery Channel – “The Woman who was addicted to Surgery!”…but really, really – I would never, ever sign up for surgery on purpose. My eyelids would have to be drooping to my nose, my chin waddling in the breeze, or find myself with my boobs getting stuck in my pants zipper before I’d sign up for elective surgery. Just sayin’.